This week, I’ve been immersing myself in attachment theory, especially through the lens of Bonnie Badenoch’s Being a Brain-Wise Therapist: A Practical Guide to Interpersonal Neurobiology, reflecting on how our earliest relationships with caregivers shape our emotional lives and adult relationships. I’ve been exploring what it means to have moments of secure attachment intertwined with patterns that may lean more toward avoidance.

Understanding attachment styles

Badenoch describes attachment as a spectrum, not a fixed category. Developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, here’s a brief look at the main styles:

Secure attachment: Develops when caregivers are consistently responsive and attuned. As adults, these individuals are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy, able to seek support and offer it in return.
Avoidant attachment: Arises when caregivers are emotionally distant or inconsistently available. Adults with this style often value independence, may suppress their needs, and can struggle to trust or rely on others.
Anxious (ambivalent) attachment: Emerges from inconsistent caregiving. These adults may crave closeness but fear rejection or abandonment, often engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to maintain connection.
Disorganized attachment: Results from chaotic or frightening caregiving. Adults may display a mix of avoidant and anxious behaviors, feeling both a strong desire for closeness and a fear of it.

For me, being an independent person with a dose of people-pleasing might reflect both avoidant and anxious strategies, valuing autonomy, yet striving to meet others’ needs for acceptance. Badenoch also talks about many people having “oases of security” which is what I believe keeps me balanced in light of the other influences.

Why understanding your attachment style matters

Understanding your attachment style can help you improve your current relationships by giving you insight into your patterns, emotional needs, and triggers. When you recognize your attachment style, you can:

Identify recurring behaviors-like people-pleasing or distancing-that may be holding you back from deeper connection.
Communicate your needs more clearly, helping your partner or friends understand how to support you.
Practice new, healthier behaviors, such as balancing intimacy and independence, or learning to self-soothe and manage emotions.
Break old patterns by choosing partners and friends who foster secure, supportive relationships.
Develop greater self-compassion and emotional awareness, which benefits both your relationship with others and with yourself.

Ultimately, understanding your attachment style is the first step toward building more secure, fulfilling relationships-because it empowers you to change unhelpful patterns and connect with others more authentically.